Stuff...

I have been gone for quite some time!  Wow, well, here is what has been up.  Work cut me off to you guys so I wasn't able to leave posts from work but I got a computer at home so it's all good.

My youngest daughter, which if you are my friends, you know about already.  She had to have surgery on the 23rd of March for tubes to be put into her ears.  She is fine and thanks to those of you that keep in touch with me off of the Buzz for all the well wishes for her. 

I had told you all previously about a disease which I had that was causing me a lot of pain.  Some people don't know of DDD and I must admit it hit me at a young age.  Degenerative Disk Disease is painful.  I had been to the surgeon to be checked back in August of 2005 and went through the channels I had to go through such as having an epidural injection, pain medication etc.  Well, that wore off way too soon.  I went back to the surgeon about a month ago and scheduled surgery. 

March 27th, which happened to be my 26th birthday, turned out to be the day I went in for surgery.  I was very nervous considering I have 3 small kids and no way to take care of them on my own.  My mom has been a great deal of help to me.  She has been with me everyday.  I had the surgery and the surgeon told me he was surprised when he went in to find out that the disk had degenerated more than what the scans had shown him.  He had to do a discectomy and remove the part causing trouble but instead of just on one side as he had thought it was on both sides of my disk.  This disk is the L5-S1.  The disk right above your tailbone.  I stayed overnight in the hospital and was released the next day.  To Damier's disapproval I am sure, I had been made to wear these awful white stockings on my legs that squeezed and irritated the crap out of me.  A precaution so as not to get a blood clot in my legs.  Those went out the minute I got home.  I have been walking on my own since 2 hours after surgery. 

I am now happy to say that I am pain free in my legs and back (other than where I was cut on of course) and am able to walk a short distance.  I have learned to be careful with the meds they gave me.  I think I gave my mom a heart attack the other day (Wednesday - 2 days post op).  She helped me up the stairs and as I made it to the doorway in the kitchen I got extremely dizzy.  Next thing I know my mom is kneeling over me on the floor yelling at me to wake up.  I passed out.  Word to the wise, don't take two pain pills before going to sleep and think you are going to get up and be fine.  Especially if you haven't had anything to eat for a while. 

I go back to the doctor on the 11th of April to be checked and make sure everything is going well.  I feel great though and as of today have not had any pain medication at all.  Not a single thing!  I still can't bend forward very far but day by day I am getting back to normal.  I can sit myself down and stand back up without help.  I can't pick up my youngest daughter yet as I am not allowed to lift anything over the weight of a gallon of milk and she is about 3 gallons of milk worth of weight. 

Thanks to all of you for your support, for those of you that gave me kind words before the operation and those of you that have kept in touch with me out of the buzz world.  I am greatly appreciative of your kindness and well wishes.  Much love to you all!

Lisa

Happy Valentines Day Buzznet Peoples! 

Much love and happieness to all of you! 

Why do girls, women, whatever you want to call the female gender, think that by showing their "assets" they will attract the man of their dreams?

I understand that there are some natural bimbos out there....(hopefully you don't consider yourself a bimbo to take offense to that.)  Some females just can't control themselves.  Some are just natural scurves.  I don't get it.  I really don't.  What makes them think that dressing the way they do is going to get them a committment?  I mean, come on now, we all know that they want some kind of committment.  So, how do they find that degrading themselves will accomplish that?

I tend to be more of the type that doesn't feel I have to show everything I own to get the attention of a male.  I have proven that fact.  I feel that if you act a certain way, that is the way you will be treated.  I feel if you act like you are a slut, you are only asking a man to treat you that way.  Maybe I am wrong.  I don't know. 

I just see more and more girls trying to sell themselves by their looks.  But think a minute about that, do you really want a man that is only interested in you for the way you look?  I mean, I know that looks don't last forever, don't you want to be noticed for something else?  Just my opinion, but I know that I would rather have someone after me for me, not for what I have to offer, that other's have to offer as well.

Today is one of those days where I would like to just go home and crawl into bed.  Hide from everything and everyone and just be alone.  I don't know why, I just feel like that.  No one has said or done anything to bother me, I just don't want to be bothered.  Does that make any sense at all?  I think it sounds kind of stupid and selfish all at the same time.  My head seems to be in the clouds and I can't get it back for the life of me. 

One minute I feel fine.  The next I feel sick.  Not sick as in body aches or anything, just plain sick.  Like pukey sick.  It's the oddest thing.  My youngest daughter has ear infection.  I am seriously thinking about telling the doctor to put tubes in her ears.  The girl gets ear infection quite often. 

You ever want to be someone else?  Have the life someone else has?  Ever want to make a drastic change.  Like just get up and go somewhere for the hell of it?  I do.  Where should I go?

Well guess what, the epidural injection for my back has quit working.  I go in on the 2nd of February to consult with the surgeon and next step is surgery.  Yipee for me!  Yep, I am floating on Vicodin today.  It's not a good thing.  I need to go home. 

Hey everyone, I just wanted to get out the word the fastest way possible that one of my friends has joined the Buzznet Community.....can you all take a second to say hi to Dmizz........please and thank ya!

Welcome Pa!  Hope you like it!

Today was a good morning in comparrison to yesterday.  The kids got up and got ready without any fuss.  It was quite refreshing actually.

I actually let my kids do something they don't normally get to do.  I let them play with my camera.  I wanted to see what they see.  I wanted to put myself on their level for a minute and see through their eyes.  The things they see are much different than what I see.  Then again, they have time to look around....I was driving.  My son seems to be fascinated with houses while my daughter is fascinated with streets and lights and people. 

Life seems so rushed sometimes.  I hate having to come to work everyday and sending them to be raised by someone else.  I hate missing out on the things they discover and only hearing about their magical moment hours later when the newness has worn off.  I hate the fact that most nights I am too tired to play with them.  I hate the fact that when I do have a day off I tend to spend it cleaning. 

I promise to myself that this weekend I will take more time to see them on their level.  I promise to myself that this weekend I will play with them.  I promise to myself that I will make time to be the mom I want to be for a change and not the person that society thinks I should be.  I promise to myself to play school with my daughter or dress up, and to play catch with my son or whatever he wants to do and to hell with cleaning the house for a change.  They are only kids once.  I already feel like I am missing out on so much of their lives...I promise to myself to make a good memory for them this weekend.  And I urge each of the parents that read this to do the same!

It's days like this that I really know beyond a shadow of a doubt I am moody.  One minute I am in the best of moods, the next I am ready to rip someones head off.  I don't understand why this happens, it just does. 

This morning started like any other morning.  I woke up a few minutes late, ran up the stairs and woke up the kids.  Kendra got up just fine and was moving as normal while Marco lied huddled under his blankets.  I, meanwhile, ran to the bathroom to tame my wild mass of curls and brush my teeth.  With the toothbrush in my mouth I was still shouting orders to the two children that are able to tend to themselves.  Needless to say, only one payed attention while the other was still hiding under his blankets.  I told him yet again to get ready even handing him the clothes to put on.  Nope, it didn't work.  He had to whine and complain that his pants are too long and that the sleeves on his sweatshirt are too long.  I have never in my life seen a male be so damn picky!  Siting in his boxers he is trying to negotiate with me.  "I don't think so!  I am already running late, your sister has got to get to school and I still have to wake up the baby.......GET READY NOW!"  Like that worked.  I was two seconds away from picking the boy up and taking him in his boxers, I shit you not!

I went back downstairs and woke up the baby who was, as usual, happy to see me.  I was thinking "well, this will be easier because she won't fight me."  WHATEVER!  I got her jammies off of her and layed her down to change her diaper.  Off she went trying to crawl away.  I had to literally chase her down to get a diaper back on her nekkid body.  It was no easy task.  As I was trying to put the diaper on under her she was twisting away and let me tell you, she is one heck of a strong one year old! 

Finally, we are ready to leave.  Yep, we were doing good, I was only 10 minutes late for walking out the door so far.  Get in the car and off we go.  Dropped Kendra off at school, and Marco and the baby at daycare and am driving to work when I realize that I walked out without my money.  What the hell, who needs to eat anyway?  I mean, I sure as heck don't but hey, whatever right?  (You would have to imagine me typing this with a huge grin on my face because this shit is just freaking hilarious....I mean, woooo, it never fails! Yes, my mood has gone from being really pissy to just laughing my ass off over the shit that happens in a day!  Wanna know what's the funniest of all?  It's only 9:43AM!  HAHAHAHAHA)

 

Name (this would be the name you were given at birth, not a nickname or something stupid like Stud Muffin, Your Daddy etc.) :___________________________________________________

Date of bith (the day you were born, not the day you would like to pretend to have been born or any other odd dates you can come up with but the one listed on your birth certificate assuming you have one) : ________________________

Occupation (Pimp is not an occupation, if that is what you would like to believe to be your occupation put this application down now, I do discriminate on some instances and this would be one of them, you are now disqualified) : _______________________________________________________

Your best qualities (as in characteristics or morals, not how long you can maintain a boner, all men lie when it comes to that one so don't even try it.  I don't care if you would like to believe you are the best lover there ever was, that has not been proven by me so it doesn't qualify) : _______________________________________________________

What is the one thing you admire most about your mother? (Her doing your laundry and cooking for you should NOT be listed, take the hint now) _______________________________________________________

What is your opinion of a person who cheats on their supposed to be significant other? (This is pretty darn clear, need for clarification might land you in the NO pile) ___________________________________________________

Do you know how to cook? _________________________________

Do you know how to clean? _________________________________

Do you know how to do laundry? _____________________________

Now, please list 3 personal references for me to be able to verify your information. (Ex's are optional, only one family member, and a "homeboy" in definitely NOT preferred as we all know how they tend to go with whatever story is thrown out there.  I will be checking!) ________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________

Personal hygiene is a must.  Please submit a personal photo (DO NOT SUBMIT ONE OF A FRIEND, FAMILY MEMBER, OR CO-WORKER) with this application.  A return address would be greatly appreciated.  A phone number is a must.....please include your area code as well!  Thank you, have a great day, and come again! 

Questions, comments or concerns....?  Call your momma! (by Lisa)

Ok, so it's like this......this is what I want and I'm not gonna settle till I get it. 

1.  I want a man that is caring, sensitive, accepting, has a sense of humor, has a sense of adventure, that wants something for himself.

2.  I want a man that will back me up when I am sick and that will allow me to take care of him when he is sick....or when you just don't feel like getting up.  (In moderation)

3.  I want a man that knows how to take care of himself.  I am not your mommy so don't treat me like I am supposed to be.  I will do my part in housekeeping but damn, if you think I am supposed to wait on you hand and foot, kiss it.......it's not gonna happen.

4.  I want a man that is going to do the little things to make the big things even better!

5.  I want a man that is NOT committment phobic!

6.  I want a man that knows how to be funny when he needs to be and can be serious when he needs to be.

7.  I want a man that has family as number one on his list......it is on mine so accept that fact or move on. 

8.  I want someone that is spontaneous and adventurous.

9.  I would like for him to be mindful of his language, respectful.

10.  I want for a man to love me.  Plain and simple.

11.  And to please McD, some chocolate and porn.

12.  The end!

I reserve the right to modify this at any given time because I am female and my wants and needs change on a daily basis.  It's my list dammit and I can if I want to!

Words to one of my favorite songs......(Yep, it's been one of those days......)

I can't believe you had the nerve to say the things you said,
They hurt so bad that they ended our relationship.
I can't believe it....4 years gone down the drain.

How I wish things would have happened so differently,
I tried to say this many times but still you couldn't see.
You kept insistin and resisting that you would not fall again.

And now you are trying to tell me that you're sorry and you're tryin to come back home,
You're tellin me you really need me, crying, beggin, both knees are on the floor....but baby I.......

Don't wanna try, don't wanna try, don't wanna try no more...
You keep insistin when you know our love is out the door.
Don't wanna try, don't wanna try cause all we do is fight and say the things that hurt too bad to where we both begin to cry.
Don't wanna try, don't wanna try I've bout just had enough, it's been a rough road baby just let it go.
Don't wanna try, don't wanna try, don't wanna try no more tell me what's the use of holding on when all we do is hurt our love?

You and I had many coversations on the telephone,
talks about one day us having a place of our own,
wake up in the morning and have breakfast ready on the table.
But all of that just seems so far away from me, have to wake up and face reality,
it all just seemed to good to be true, after all you put me through....

And now you are trying to tell me that you're sorry and you're tryin to come back home,
You're tellin me you really need me, crying, beggin, both knees are on the floor....but baby I.......

Don't wanna try, don't wanna try, don't wanna try no more...
You keep insistin when you know our love is out the door.
Don't wanna try, don't wanna try cause all we do is fight and say the things that hurt too bad to where we both begin to cry.
Don't wanna try, don't wanna try I've bout just had enough, it's been a rough road baby just let it go.
Don't wanna try, don't wanna try, don't wanna try no more tell me what's the use of holding on when all we do is hurt our love?

 

What Exactly Is Marriage?

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years old

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years old

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years old

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years old

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years old

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You Too Can Do Housework

3. Resistance to Beer

4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)

6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")

9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook

10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You, The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons To Give Flowers

15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb

16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please

17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat

18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies

19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost

20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency

21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes

22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too

23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous

24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home

27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary

28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue

Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag

2. You Can Change The Oil Too

4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas

6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right

13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

14. You, The Whining Sex

15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

17. How To Close The Garage Door

18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation

19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank

21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack

27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving

30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

 

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.

My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

 

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

 

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

 

The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.

 

All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,

painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the

wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,

play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in

my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out

of the medicine cabinet.." So I headed to the site of my demise: the

bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot

wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and

you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and

you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I

mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure

this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other

stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so

I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"

yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it

tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it

wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am

She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin

extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak

back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I

drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same

procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini

line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the

inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and

brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision

returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and

spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear

crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused

me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in

the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the

hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is

now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up

on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and

think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may

pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts

wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,

immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently

wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to

torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now,

the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is

having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in

scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now

I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself

to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months

ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some

secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter.

"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal

but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly

where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown

and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!

Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go

through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a

razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in

hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then

dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working,

dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need

Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving

grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I

really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my

friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It

works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my

grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF

IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by

now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

It's been so long since I have felt,
Those sultry words which made me melt.
Time moves on,
So have we.
Why does life keep chasing me?

The kids are growing, oh so fast,
Bringing memories, of my past.
Oh wicked, wicked thoughts that come,
Of the very Evil one.
Please, oh please, just let me be.
Why does life keep chasing me?

It's getting dark and cold again,
Take me from this place of sin.
Hold me close, don't let me go,
I just want for you to know
for you to see....
Life has quit chasing me.

Written by me....Lisa Alvarez 11-10-05